No men are abusive.

Don't worry. I'm not an idiot. But the title of this essay is correct - it is a matter of definition.

Let me explain what I mean.

Four years ago, I had the most significant realization of my life. About what it means to be a man. And why so many of us are struggling.

A friend of mine suggested that I'd read King Warrior Magician Lover - a book written in the '90s by an American psychologist and a mythologist.

Based on the 12 human archetypes of Carl Jung, the authors of this book boiled it down to only 4. 

The four male archetypes. 

An archetype could be described as (or dumbed down to) different energies - or personality traits - in a person.

Contrary to what many believe, you are not one or another. Next time you see a Facebook quiz promising to tell you which male archetype you are - don't fall for it.

You have all of the four archetypes in you, and you need them all. More importantly, you need to be in touch with them all and make sure they are balanced, to become a "complete man."

The Warrior is the energy of aggressive - but non-violent action.

The Magician is the energy that pushes you to learn and discover.

The Lover is the energy of emotion, feeling, idealism, and sensuality.

The King is the energy of decisiveness and creative ordering. It is also the energy that is in charge of the other three.

These four energies work together. They all have different tasks and responsibilities. If one fails, all will fail.

Now, here's when it gets fascinating. When you are born and live your first years as a young boy, these archetypes are immature. They are not fully developed. 

Before the balanced and just Warrior appears, there is the Hero.

That's the boyish and immature equivalent of the Warrior.

The Hero is unafraid and immortal (in his opinion) - he fights and battles mainly for himself.

His most crucial goal is to gain his personal independence and break free from the feminine influence of his mother.

The same goes for the King. Before him, there is The Divine Child. 

Imagine an infant boy. He is both helpless and almighty at the same time. Helpless because he needs the constant attention of his parents. Almighty because he demands all the attention from them.

Before you can become a man in its fullness - all 4 of your archetypes need to develop into their mature selves. 

And the inability to do this is the reason for all male abuse and domineering in today's world.

We usually draw the line between boyhood and manhood at 18 years of age. But 18 is just a number, something we came up with. 

Most boys will not become men exactly when they turn 18, and those who do, don't do it because they have their 18th birthday.

Becoming a man is about maturing - not reaching a certain age. Many men in their 60's still haven't become men.

If you haven't been able to mature the Hero into the Warrior - you are still trying to break free of feminine influence. 

If your King archetype is not balanced, you'll have the need to control and dominate others. 

You are afraid someone will throw you off your throne, so you need to demonstrate your power.

You don't understand that power will only grow the more you share it with others.

All cases of abuse and misuse of power from males are based on insecurity. 

Someone hitting his girlfriend.

Someone sexually harassing his employees.

Someone constantly looking for new "sexual conquests."

They are all desperately trying to do one thing - make everyone else see them as a man. 

But they are not. They are boys. They are male bodies, with immature male energies inside.

Violence, abuse, domination are all signs of fear of not being seen as a man.

A man whose masculine strength is matured doesn't need to dominate anyone. He knows what he is and doesn't need to push others down.

No real, mature man feels the need to abuse someone else. 

Those abusing others are not men. They are insecure and immature boys - no matter what their legal age is. 


PS. What do you think about this? Let me know!